LifeWith Hidan!
by LuvleeCookieChan
Summary: Hidan has a talk show that you the audience control by submitting reviews on a range of salacious topics. watch as he rails on every single character in the Naruto verse swearing his way to the top of the ratings! Note bad language ahoy!


**Chapter One :Intro**

**I do not own Naruto. Deal with it!!**

Lights turn on. They focus on one solitary man sitting in the front of the stage, shooting a death glare that could rival the light emitted by the fluorescent bulbs overhead.

Interlude. A cheesy musical interlude breaks the silence. This song only has one line running annoyingly repeatedly through every single verse, sung by a woman with a very high pitched voice which goes 'Life!! With Hida-aaaaaan!!'

Song draws to a close; a man stands with the archetypical black sleek hair and mustache to match in an all black ensemble. 'Heeeeeeere's your host!! Hidaaaaaaaan-saaaaaaaan!!!'

Stage lights turn on. Applause.

A room full of audience rise from their seats and scream 'Hidan! Hidan! Hidan!'

One random fan girl rushes to the bottom of the stage and flashes her boobs at him and screams 'I love you Hidan!!' while other girls come on down and follow suit. The screaming fan girls try to climb the stairs to get to their favourite TV personality to greet him with the glomp of death (patent pending by the FGA (fan girl association)).

Kisame the bouncer steps menacingly onto the stage grabs his sword Kameda threatingly , complete with the evil gleam in the eye.

The girls gulp and whine like wounded puppies, and back away from the stage.

'Kisame!' came a cry from the upper bleachers. ' How did they get you to do this un'

Who was it may you ask? None other than our beloved Deidara-san.

'They pay me well dude. I've been having a little trouble with my finances, and that's not cool! They gonna take away my car man! Last night I was at this new strip club kisses, and I had this girl Candy who had the world's biggest…' our beloved Kisame rambled on to the empty air because no one was listening.

A cough.

'Any way in summary, she took all my money away and now I need a job man!!' He finished with a sigh.

Just when Deidara was about to reply a frustrated groan came from the majestic seat of glory in the middle of the stage.

'I swear you fucking assholes have no respect for any body! You whiny bitches just wasted five entire minutes of my damn air time, which by the way you stupid nincompoops is extremely expensive! I personally don't care about the damn time, but Kakuzu will go ape shit on my ass for any fucking second lost. Why don't you shut the fuck up and find yourselves seats you fucking retards!!' bellowed Hidan from the center of the stage, his pale handsome face turning dangerously red.

To this the audience cheered wildly!! Ratings were up 5%, Kakuzu could finally die happy!!

'**Cool Contacts, dude!' cried a surfer boy from the middle of the ocean.**

**Kakuzu had just heard the news and now his pupils and cornea fused to form an elaborate dollar sign, glistening in the Hawaiian sunlight. His blonde girlfriend inched back dialing the ambulance and declaring this a medical emergency.**

'I'm your host, Hidan! I'm doing this stupid show because this asswipe organization called the Akatsuki (On the plasma screen an image of 'Akatsuki Estate' pops up. It is a large elaborate country estate, house painted in white with blue trimmings and lined by well manicured gardens tended to by an army of 10 gardeners strong) is about to be reposessesed or whatever the hell you call it. By the way Orochimaru, Akatsuki estate totally owns that rat infested hell hole you live in. Deal with it, we all know you were the one who called the bank'

The audience boos and throws food after a badly drawn composite sketch of Orochimaru, painted with large bucked teeth and an unflattering thick black mustache.

' Then we landed a deal with a famous producer (Screen shows Kabuto shaking hands with a smiling Kakuzu, both looking into the camera with glee), and what do you fucking know I end up here!!!' he ended with a large smirk.

The audience goes wild. Literally.

'Calm down people. I know you feel intimidated by my masculine sexiness. That's no reason to scream. Please save your screams for later' he lectured berating at the audience.

'Was Hidan actually nice!?' exclaimed Deidara from the crowd, jaws dropping to the ground.

Ignoring that comment, Hidan sits up in his plush love seat, and we get a good view of him. He is dressed in an elegant white business suit and his hair is brushed sleekly back, with a light layer of bangs framing his face. He seats casually on the seat and gestures to his mystery guest on the right.

'All right shut up you assholes!' he screamed at the roaring audience. ' I am Dr. Hidan, holder of 32 PhD's, and today I bring up one of my topics of specialty and one of my first ever PhD's ever. Religion" He finished in a low tone.

The audience groans.

'Shut up you ingrates! Here is my special guest, Scythe. Say hi to scythe' he says charmingly

'Hi' resounds the audience cheerfully.

'This dear audience, is Scythe of Jashin-sama himself, and he has been entrusted to me very trustfully. This calls for a moment of silence.' He says bowing his head with earnest.

Peaceful silence spreads throughout the room.

A cell phone rings.

_I come home in the morning light,  
My mother says "When you gonna live your life right?"  
Oh,mother,dear,  
We're not the fortunate ones,  
And girls,  
They wanna have fu-un.  
Oh,girls,  
Just wanna have fun_.

Hidan stands angrily and the sofa falls back with a thud, totally blowing over the top.

'Who the fuck just did that!!' Did I not just lecture you asswipes on fucking respect!? Who the hell has that gay ass ringtone!' screamed Hidan while a vein in his forehead pulsated threatingly.

Silence.

''Well!! Show yourself you fucking moron! Do you not have any speck of respect for Jashin-sama? Didn't your ill educated ass get lessons on etiquette, huh bitch? Didn't your mother or whatever the fuck raised or dragged you up teach you manners you fucking cuckhold!'

By this time every singly eye shifted to a lone figure in the back row, gleeful at the abuse the vile offender was being subjected to.

'Gee Hidan. I'm sorry un' That was my gran, she's out of eggs. She's baking me cookies tonight' said quietly Deidara, head bent with badly hidden shame.

'Deidara you asshole!! I don't care if your grandmother needed these eggs to drink them raw you douchebag! Gross disrespect for both me and Jashin sama will you?? Get your grimy ass out of my studio and don't you dare ask for a fucking refund because I'll kick your ass into mush! That goes for all you other asses out there. Who wants to leave with this stupid transvestite?'

Hidan was angry now, the moisture in the air was sizzling at this point.

The audience all shake their head in terror. Deidara leaves silently.

'Alrighty then.' He sits again like nothing happened. ' Scythe here is going to promote the Jashin religion to you all.' He looks at it as of to give a cue.

Nodding to something scythe apparently said, he says 'True. You have the floor'

The audience stare dumfounded at the steel and aluminum alloy scythe who was lecturing them and at Hidan, who had sucpicious tears at the corners of his eyes, dabbing them with tissues.

'That is so true scythe. This is why I converted to jashinism. Scythe here, helped me to see the light, people. Tell them!!' he screams passionately

Another minute. Then Two. And then Five.

Tears roll down Hidan's cheeks unabashedly as he cries 'Beautiful! Beautiful!' he weeps while clapping hard. The audience follow suit enthusiastically.

Theme ending music comes on and Hidan cries while giving the ending remarks 'Please remember to watch the show and log on to .com to give a suggestion for the next show. Choose any character in the Naruto verse and the problem you want them to encounter under any one of these categories

Paternity Tests

Cheating Spouses

Dirty secrets

Advice 101 (anything whatsoever)

Shocking transformation

counseling with Dr. Itachi Uchiha (he only comes on once a week)

Family issues

Getting serious he says 'Don't expect me to solve all your weird fucked up issues. And don't blame me if you leave worse off than you came. Talk to the fucking producers and not me. That's it for today, now a word from our sponsors. Hidan over and out!!'

**Akatsuki Holiday**: summer specials. Buy thirteen trips get one half off. Special prizes available for the first one hundred callers!

**Karin Unlimited:** Shop here for all your Sasuke merchandise, both used and abused (yes, we have what you're thinking of sister…or brother'

**Society of Jashin Devotees:** Today you saw Scythe. Please feel moved by his sad story and feel free to donate because we are not forcing you, by calling 1-800-DONATE. If you don't, please keep in mind that we're looking for human sacrifices for our rituals.

**Ino's hair serum:** hair grows over five times its original length in only five seasons. Believe that!!

**And now for today's featurette**

_When I was young  
I never needed anyone  
Making love was just for fun  
Those days are gone_

All by myself  
Don't wanna be  
All by myself  
Anymore  
All by myself  
Don't wanna live  
Oh  
Don't wanna live  
By myself, by myself  
Anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

'**Okay you can stop now' said Hidan very menacingly.**

'**Tobi sang well didn't he' asked the child like man hopefully with a smile on his face. Wait…he's got a mask. Whatever, I can tell…**

'**What do our three judges have to say for this? Lets go over to them . Please give a cheer for Hidan, Sasuke and Hinata!!' said our black moustached announcer very gaily. Hey is that Gai??**

'**Sasuke, your vote please'**

' **It started very horribly and pitchy, but then it grew on me. It had so much passion and soul and it brought me to happier times when Itachi and I used to sing in the bathroom to Celine Dion songs' he broke into tears.**

'**So. What is your vote' asked the announcer impatiently'**

'**I vote yes. Live your dreams for mine are already broken and dashed!' he finished dramatically.**

**The audience cheer and Tobi sings happily.**

'**Hinata. Please give your decision'**

'**Y-you had a g-good performance and I like that jacket you're ' she said with a light blush on her pale face.**

'**Two down one to go. Hidan. Please tell us your decision'**

**Hidan who was fretting all the time the votes was angrily waiting for his turn.**

'**Are you two fucking mad. That was horrible no bones about it. He sounded like a strangled cat or a dying goat crying for water in a fucking desert. You're fucking horrible deal with it. And Blue, orange, pink and yellow totally clash' he concluded matter of factly complete with an "I'm better than thou art' smirk.**

'**Tobi, you move on to the next round of Shinobi Idol!!'**

**He jumps gleefully all around the stage.**

'**What the fuck!! Does your damn Byakugan and Sharingan take away from your hearing ability you dumbasses!? That was terrible!! I am so quitting!!' he exclaimed indignantly, sweeping off the stage in rage.**

'**Tune in next week for our Semi finalists Lee, Shino, Deidara, Neji and Bob the cable guy. Please stay tuned for 'Dancing with the Shinobi' and 'Konoha's Next Top Porn Star!!'**

**Tobi's shrill voice brings tears to the audience's eyes. Literally. Yes, he is that bad. He sings until fades.**

**Author's Note:**

**No that website is not real. Please use the instructions for the site in a review or PM where you state the issue you want me to deal with. After every episode of Hidan's talk show there will be a word from the sponsor and a featurette (like there is after a shippuden episode). Please tell me if this was any good, and please review. Hope the language didn't offend anyone…but this IS Hidan we're speaking about. Yes you can use ANY character in the Naruto verse. No bounds. **


End file.
